Bread: my Favorite Vegetable

Bread has been a staple of the human race for many hundreds of years for its ease of growing and relative durability. In the modern age, there are many ways to prepare bread for consumption.

Toast is a common application for breakfast. This slightly damages the chemical structures that make up the bread, yet not enough for it to completely denature, giving it a burnt taste. The slice should remain conscious for the entire process. As a general rule, if its speech becomes slurred or disoriented (i.e. it believes it is still with its loafmates) then it is overdone.

When eating slice bread in public it is customary to begin from the lobes, where the sensory organ is located. This prematurely ends any tortured (painless) screaming or weeping that may trouble guests.

For younger fans who may dislike the crusts, they can be removed with any reasonable sharp knife. Be prepared for the blood produced by the cuts: it is very healthy and should be collected for later cooking.

Many new bread enthusiasts are troubled by the whimpering and/or begging that the bread may engage in prior to or while being prepared. Keep in mind that bread, like most seafood, is incapable of feeling pain. If you still wish to keep your bread quiet, you may either locate and remove its mouth (though this will naturally deform the final product) or instead threaten harming its loafmates, as bread tends to be very loyal. Note that this is often insufficient as most breads will not be able to endure being toasted or de-crusted without crying out.

Although this is only a rudimentary introduction to the complicated world of live breading, I hope it will serve for many as a springboard into a fulfilling hobby.