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The_entropic_engineer
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PostSubject: My other story   Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:24 am

Looking to the sky one's eyes fell upon only darkness, and desolation, no light anywhere to be found. It brought back old memories of the stories of the days before creation, of the only other night when the stars were nowhere to be found. The night when giant beasts, some with scales, and others wings were unleahsed into the world, and given the name of dragon. The tails said that these creatures, though formed by gia, the spirit of nature, turned out to be more than gia could control, and began tearing gia apart, destroying whole mountains, burning forests to the ground, and even causing rivers to run dry. Gia was slowly dying, and had to form a new race, but didn't have the resources to form them of nature, so they were formed from other things. The rotting flesh and bone of other creatures. This non Nature race however, being made out of many things became many things. It became The elves, dwarves, humans, kinder fairies, halflins, centuars, gnomes, and even a few dwelvs. Gia new that these creatues to posed a threat, but not one any where near as severe as the beast of legend the dragons did. and as gia had hoped the dragons turned from her to these new races. Leaving gia time to heal. In that times the races grew, and evolved, and over a period began to weed out the dragons. Gia saw this as a threat. She thought that with fewer dragons, the newer races would turn there caos upon her. So to defend herself gia crated yet still more creatures, her defenders, bringing about the golems, trents, sphinx, uni-corns, pegaseus, pheonix, and even hydras. With these creatures gia was yet still even further protected.

But this night, there was not any creature coming to earth, there wasn't any good planned to be done, or anything that some would consider great, just something sad and wrong. This night was meant for murder. This night, assasians hired by the clan Drakal, were to kill the Protecters, the "air" family. They were called the air family because they had no last name, the only way you could tell what family they were from is that they all had "air" in their name, such as Kalvair, Airstithoth, and Thairk, the most famous of the Protecters. This night was destined for their death, and destiny must be followed for in this world, not so far from our own, in time or space, Destiny was the most powerful force. Destiny had many paths, but this night, for the Protecters, she only had one. The assassains creeped in, somehow they managed not to trip the magical alarms, or awake Kalvair, or her husband Brothark Eisteich, the fabled Dwarf king, which were both light sleepers. There were five assassains, and three headed to the central-most room, the bedroom of the Protecters. The first Assassain made a small hole in the top-most part of the wall, only eight inches wide, and ten inches tall, enough for a kid-sized person to fit through, except it was fifteen feet in the air. Then the first Assassain jumped and curled into a ball and caught the edge of the wall, looked over, then crawled through the hole as the others followed. The two Assassains that didn't go to the room started searching the house for valuables, to make it look like a robery gone bad.



I will finish this story at a later time, I am sorry I couldn't write that much. I will write more later.

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Last edited by TheLastDwelf on Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:33 am; edited 4 times in total
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ultimate_cloud
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PostSubject: Re: My other story   Wed Feb 20, 2008 5:09 pm

Yeah, there really isn't much to say yet. there isn't much of a story yet, more a prolouge. It sounds pretty interesting at any rate.

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Ethanthecrazy
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PostSubject: Re: My other story   Wed Feb 20, 2008 6:28 pm

I am sorry to say, but it sounds a bit childish. I mean, the concept is cool, but your explination of it is lacking.

Oh and more proof that hey are watching us. The adds on this page are about phonixs and griffons, whilst the adds on the main page are about Wow. Coincidence, I think not.

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The_entropic_engineer
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PostSubject: Re: My other story   Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:51 pm

Cloud, I stole your story, which is actually mine redone, thanks, lol.


This is why I should be a co-author, I just don't like writing down my ideas, and other people are able to easily twist my ideas into art.

Anyone need a co-author? I'm here. I only want 10% revinue :/)
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PostSubject: Re: My other story   Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:13 pm

As I said before, it sounds pretty intresting, but that's as far as I can go. Ethan gave a wonderful discription, because I'm sorry to say, it is lacking in both language, and diversity. Your a little too direct about things, and a little too simple. First off, there is not enough detail.

Looking to the sky one's eyes fell upon only darkness, and desolation, no light anywhere to be found. It brought back old memories of the stories of the days before creation, of the only other night when the stars were nowhere to be found. The night when giant beasts, some with scales, and others wings were unleahsed into the world, and given the name of dragon. The tails said that these creatures, though formed by gia, the spirit of nature, turned out to be more than she could control, and began tearing her apart, destroying whole mountains, burning forests to the ground, and even causing rivers to run dry. Gia was slowly dying, and had to form a new race, but didn't have the resources to form them of nature, so they were formed from other things. The rotting flesh and bone of other creatures. This non Nature race however, being made out of many things became many things. It became The elves, dwarves, humans, kinder fairies, halflins, centuars, gnomes, and even a few dwelvs. Gia new that these creatues to posed a threat, but not one any where near as severe as the beast of legend the dragons did, and as she had hoped the dragons turned from her to these new races. Leaving her time to heal. In that times the races grew, and evolved, and over a period began to weed out the dragons. Gia saw this as a treat. She thought that with fewer dragons, the newer races would turn there caos upon her. So to defend herself gshe created yet still more creatures, her defenders, bringing about the golems, trents, sphinx, uni-corns, pegaseus, pheonix, and even hydras. With these creatures she was yet still even further protected.


That's as far as I'll go right now, but do you see what I mean? The things your putting are a brief discription, or outline, that is a story. I hope this helps.

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Ethanthecrazy
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PostSubject: Re: My other story   Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:23 pm

Wow, that is much better, but you said "gia" too much.

You should replace some with pronouns.

ANyway, see john, you did not go into enough detail. tis does not by any means go crazy with detail, but explain it better.

Maby its just something you have to learn with time. Of course, Rocky here is a good writer ( tho he has faults), he makes other things seem stupid. . . .

Anyway, learn from what robert wrote and practice.

Though i have to admit, even robert's still carried over a bit of that childishness too.

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The_entropic_engineer
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PostSubject: Re: My other story   Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:51 pm

Fell free to edit my story guys, Just don't change the main storyline, like I mentioned b4, I am best suited as a co-author, and as you can see from my other story, I am a good writer, When I wanna be.

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PostSubject: Re: My other story   Thu Feb 21, 2008 9:28 pm

I noticed that for some reason I did use gia alot, and edited it to be a little more fitting, but I didn't want to edit it too much away from the original storyline. I'm not all that great at writing form the view of a narrator anyways, but this is a little better than originally, and I really think this story has the chance to go somewhere if you were to introduce a protagonist, and go into detail about things as I did. Try giving it a shot and see how it turns out. This is YOUR story not mine, and I would throughly enjoy seeing you take it somewhere great.

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Alas for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them.

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The_entropic_engineer
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PostSubject: Re: My other story   Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:32 am

I can take it somewhere great, but I need time. I guess I will spend a weak a entry on it, and hopwfully I can get to the good parts that are planned out in my head. I will start to put actual thought into it instead of randomness. lol. I will start actualy "writing" this story, and talk to me b4 you edit it, I wanna see what you will change.

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PostSubject: Re: My other story   Sat Feb 23, 2008 10:50 am

I won't edit anything unless it is still like it was above. That was just too blatent, and even so I wouldn't edit your, just put something like how I think it should be like I did here.

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